here are some poems i wrote:

(ongoing)

I was 28, recently single, and wanted a group of women to go out with here in new york.

I created a group chat with the loosely held purpose of “doing fun things together” and invited a few cool women that I knew but who didn’t know each other.

Tired of using inappropriate places to store random notes or thoughts (aka twitter, my poor iphone note’s app), so using here instead. Most recent at the top.

routine

- wake up at 7

- weed

- morning walk around the block (there’s a special camaraderie amongst early risers)

travel notes with maps that I’ll continue to add to

There are a few points in life that create a “before” and an “after.” Motherhood is one of them. The years before motherhood are sacred, they let women explore who they are and who they want to become.

Before having children, I spent my teenage years having sex and learning about my body, free from having to worry about an “after” as abortion was legal in my state.

Today is my 30th birthday :)

For the last few months, I’ve been thinking about and writing down the most important things I learned in my twenties. Here’s the list (in no particular order):

Pleasure and happiness are not the same. Pleasure is a short-lived hit of dopamine: drinking, sex, fine dining, shopping, traveling, etc. Happiness is more a state of being. You won’t always feel happy, but you can feel good about how you choose to spend your time. Happiness is thinking positively despite the negative, it’s being genuinely appreciative and aware, it’s surrounding yourself with positive influences, and it’s making decisions that support your health over those that cause you harm.

Today is the last day I will spend in my twenties.

It’s a rainy morning which matches how I feel — reflective, calm, peaceful.

I’ve spent 2.5 years in this apartment, the longest I’ve stayed in the same place since I was 15 years old. Turns out spending time in one place lets you actually get to know it… and I grow more and more sentimental over my backyard with every passing spring. The process of watching the trees and plants slowly and then all at once wake up after a long sleep is a gentle reminder of how much change is possible in a short time.

Food has always been tough for me. I never learned proper nutrition, especially for a woman with PCOS (which affects insulin), and I’m equally as lazy as I am busy. For me to eat healthily, I need meals that are high in protein, easy to crank out, and easy to clean up.

One day I want to write more about the actual process (which I refer to as “cracking catherine”) that helped me get to where I am today, but for now, I keep this running and evolving list of things I find that help me feel better (most recent at the top):

2020 is forever the year that catalyzed my growth.

I’d been a “relationship girl” my entire life, moving from one long relationship to the next, always having to care for or to consider another person. I didn’t know who I was independent of someone else, always a half never a whole.

The only step that is critical is step one. The rest is up to you and your comfort but is highly recommended.

• step 1: you must be completely alone and feel safe and comfortable. By “safe and comfortable” I mean that you know that no one is going to walk in on you, see you, come home early, etc. No fear or insecurity can exist even in the farthest part of your mind. You need to be able to focus entirely on the task at hand: getting to know your body.

My parents weren’t exactly intentional about what to instill in me and I was never really exposed to religion or any other set of guiding principles that would help me navigate my life ahead.

As a result, I’ve had to acquire my own set of principles through personal lessons learned. I call these my “House Rules,” which I build upon as I go: